Twins

Some people say we look alike, but I don't see the resemblance?

ADD Free Write

I'm reading the Sharpie package..."permanent on most surfaces"....what does most entail? Wood, definitely. Paper, yes for sure. Foreheads, that's a big HELL YEAH. What surface would not hold a Sharpie mark? What surface would dare outright reject such a branding? What kind of person thinks about this?

Me, that's who. I just finished one of my classes and the boomrang insomnia is kicking back full force. It comes and goes, and with it, comes ADD. Jason loves when Insomniac Jack is in town. She is full of spontaneity, new ideas and analysis paralysis. What I mean by that is beginning to analyze something and mid-thought, having nothing else to think about the subject. My brain literally stops. Deer in headlights, I'm almost sure to do it in public and draw all attention where I love it to be, on me (insert high pitched laughter as I slowly back away and run). Soon after comes the nervous laughter as I realize someone is staring at me, so I pull out a cell phone and pretend the phone is ringing, only to have it ring for real during a fake conversation. It's like walking one direction and needing to turn around mid-pace, hoping to God no one is looking so you can gracefully about face without looking like a complete tool.

I did that once. In the mall last year. I was trying to find my friend who was meeting me near the movies, only instead of calling or texting her, I decided to turn around and check to see if she was by the main entrance. As I'm turning around, I see out of the corner of my eye teenages (are they allowed out that late? Wait, it's only 7pm) and I almost trample them as I gracefully change course. I then do what I can only think to do which is fake wave. That's right, I fake waved to a fake friend. So I wouldn't be that person that someone was people watching and just randomly changed direction. I had to create public purpose. As I'm waving to my fake friend, someone actually waves at me and I have to pretend I'm waving past them, you know, to make them feel awkward. We've all been there. Are they waving at me? Should I be the rude one and pretend I don't know them? Yes, clearly the best option is to keep walking.

Like when someone is talking on their bluetooth, only you don't know they are. You're walking face to face in a hallway and all of a sudden you hear the hey how are ya. Heart stops, do I know this person? Keep walking, reply, keep walking, reply....oooh oooh I know this one. Reply. Ehhhh wrong answer. Dirty looks thrown your way. How dare I butt in on their conversation.

America is so rude and condescending.

Apology schmapology

It's been a while since I last shared my brain with cyberland and while I'm trying to make a valiant effort, it's been extremely difficult. Mostly because my laziness kicks in and also partly because HELLO I have a toddler. It is my goal to get back to creative writing and while clearing the cobwebs, I'm trying to piece together valid pieces of thought. While trying to find that validity, I became sidetracked by things in life I was sorry and not sorry for.

THINGS I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE FOR:

1. Pulling in the garage past Jason's comfort level. I can still get out. I can still get Marley out. The world is a happy place. For the last time, I don't need a hanging tennis ball, so suck it, Jason.
2. Eating pickles for breakfast. I like them anytime, day or night. And I refuse to acknowledge the stench of my breath after I'm done.
3. Take too many pictures. There's no such thing. There's no such thing. There's no such thing.
4. Always having a full schedule. There's so much to discover and do! The world is my oyst...hello? Yes, this is she. I missed her doctor's appointment again? Shit.
5. Retreating to my bedroom and wanting to be alone. Did you hear that? A-LONE. So what if I shut the curtains, turn the lights off and pretend I have no husband or child. That's just a little something I like to call imagination, folks. Pretendland.
6. My lead foot. I married a cop for a reason. Oh, what's that, true love? Oh yes, that, uh, that too.
7. Laughing when Marley threw water right in my face during her bath. She was all I want to keep playing and I was all no, seriously time's up kid. Because what else can you seriously do other than laugh?
8. Refusing to walk the dog. She walks in a zig zag people. And all the other dogs make fun of her when we pass them on the sidewalk and she zig zags home, tail between her legs weeping.
9. Still really loving to swim. I'm a sight for sore eyes in my matronly bathing suit. If you can even call it that. A heavenly tank looking top paired with men's board shorts. The kids are so jealous they exit the pool immediately.
10. Coining the phrase it is what it is and loosely using it for every response. Dinner sucked. It is what it is. Can you help me with this? It is what it is. Mandy, that doesn't even make...it is what it is. See? Totally fitting.
11. Swearing like a sailor. In the absence of children, of course. What kind of monster do you think I am?

THINGS I SHOULD SACK UP AND APOLOGIZE FOR:
1. Thinking fart topics are appropriate in every and any social setting.
2. Trusting Marley enough to let her sleep in her diaper that one time during her nap. Then walking into a room full of shit. We're talking ears, face, walls, everywhere. Wait, doesn't she owe ME an apology?
3. The spare bedroom paint color. When I placed my hand on Jason's during the first coat and told him to calm down, it would look different the second coat, I should have just apologized right then and there. I'm sorry it turned out so beautifully disgusting.
4. My batwings hitting you in the face. I was just trying to point out the deer and WHAM you get smacked in the face with my flapping underarm skin. I just can't help what my body does post-baby. It is what it is. HA, I win.
5. Thinking there really are some ugly babies/kids out there. Am I really wrong though?
6. Peeing my pants. And then throwing water on myself to pretend I missed my mouth.
7. Watching trashy tv. The housewives bring so much drama it makes Lindsay Lohan look like a saint. Speaking of Lindsay, did you hear she can't even have her hair extensions in jail? So unfair.
8. My beautiful singing voice. Listen, it even makes me cringe and I use it to annoy you. So there.
9. Downloading music illegally in college. At one point I was like arrest me. Come get me. I'm just a poor college student who can't afford good music. Isn't THAT the real crime here anyways? Not having good music to listen to?
10. Sleeping with 2 fans. I know, electricity, I'm wasting you. But you feel so good.

Life...quit passing me by

It's come to my attention that the month is June. June? It's June, yes, really, June.

It feels like every weekend I have something to do and whether it's me doing the scheduling, I'm feeling really overwhelmed with life. So many friends and family ask to meet up, get the kids together, see a movie or just hang out. Not that I'm bragging, I feel really grateful to have such people in my life, but it's too much sometimes. My brain is on overload where do I need to be this weekend? Who wants to see Marley? Do I need to do laundry? Is my homework done?

It's hard to formulate a thought during the day, let alone by the end of the weekend. I'm screaming inside how I never have time with Marley, working full time and going to school leaves me feel guilty ALL THE TIME. But, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm going back to school so that I can have MORE time with her. All school breaks, snow days, vacations, summers, I'll be home. It's worth it, it's worth it, it's worth it. Is it? Am I missing out on too much? I have no choice, I have to work, but I am constantly wondering when I'm not with her, what am I missing?

Is she learning a new dance move? Is something new making her laugh? Her laugh, God her laugh gets me through the day sometimes, is she having a good day and laughing hard? How is potty training going? Does she miss me like I miss her?

I know she's ok, I know how much she adores Jessie and Jessie her. We're lucky to have a babysitter that cares about her and treats her so good. Her kids love her, too. Marley wakes up and immediately goes through their entire family: "Jessie? Emma? Noah? Daisy? Fufu?" I reassure her, yes, we're going to see Jessie and she screams with delight. Like literally screams that little kid scream, that ear piercing scream. And then nods in complete approval - a violent, eyes-wide-open nod. As a parent, knowing how excited she gets when she realizes she's going to be away from me, really does make me happy.

She's growing up so fast and she's needing me less and less it seems. Marley is literally becoming a little girl before my eyes. Where did my baby go? Although everyone reassures me that you can physically love another child, I'm not convinced. I have so much love for this child it scares me to think about it. It's doubtful she'd feel any less loved, jealous maybe, but not unloved. We want another child, maybe even another after that, but am I ready?

Are you ever ready? I don't think you really are. For anything in life. Sometimes you just have to run and take that leap - pray to GOD you made the right decision and ask for strength if you fall on your face. I'm a firm believer that you only get as much as you can handle. God must have some serious confidence in my abilities because my breaking point seems to constantly be dangling in front of me. I know in a few years things will get easier, life might be more manageable once I'm in a "career" and not working towards something that seems so close, yet so very far away.

I just hope when I'm at that point, I always take the time to shut life off and focus on the things that really matter - the things that I will forever have ingrained in my brain. Marley's seriously angelic face when I put her to bed and she grabs both of my hands, places them on her cheeks and just stares back at me, "mommy wuv" - it's enough to buckle my knees and give her whatever she wants. Or when I see Jason dancing with her or singing her a song or just being a good father. Our date nights (or lack thereof lately) when I can actually feel his appreciation for me as a friend and a wife - and all the times when I sacrificed my life to revolve around his schedule suddenly become unimportant. Because those are the things that matter in life. And those are the things I refuse to let pass me by.

Booooring

Well, it's been a long time since I've written on here - sometimes I have a hard time doing it, since everyone knows everything from my FB, but whatever. Things have been insanely crazy the last few months. It seems like we have something to do every weekend. I'm hoping this weekend I can just relax and enjoy my time with Marls.

Speaking of, she's talking now, which is fun and exciting. Her little voice I've been waiting forever to hear is hilarious. The things she tries so hard to say and what actually comes out are two different things. She gets this puzzled look on her face and waits for me to tell her "good girl" or we try to say it again a little more clearer.

Today, Jason had a fruit snack in his pocket for later - Marley remembered he put it there and 2 hours later ran up to him saying, "pock! pock!" He couldn't believe she remembered it was there and that she knew it was called a pocket. It's simple amazing to me how much she's learning and literally overnight. Everyone told me it'd happen that quick, but man, that's nuts.

Anywho, not much happening over here, same old same old.

Passing the torch

When we went to the hospital to say our goodbyes to Jason's grandpa, there was a mini update in a pamphlet of what had changed over the past 50 or so years. It was amazing to read and learn just how much Grandpa Glover has lived to see. He talked to us a bit about his life and what he had accomplished, what he was most proud of. He loved his family and loved knowing there would be people who would carry his name throughout life. The pressure's on for us, Jason is 1 of 2 grandboys to produce boys! Not so fast, Jason....not quite ready for another yet.

It was sad to sad goodbye but the funeral was very nice. I don't think there was a dry eye when we saw the military salute. When one of the naval officers gave his uncle the flag, his words were powerful when he spoke on behalf of the president, who thanked him for his years of service. Ok, so we might not all agree with the elected president and knowing they say that at most every vet's funeral was not relevant, but it was still powerful to hear.

I'm glad I have a few pictures of Grandpa with Marley, even though he didn't like to hold little, little babies. We kind of threw her in his lap a few times and quickly snapped a picture...I'm glad I forced that on him! It's nice to look back and know he lived a hell of a life - and that he's finally reunited with his wife, whom he has missed dearly since she passed.

Sidenote - we have a ton of pictures throughout the house, 2 of which are on the entertainmetn center in Marley's playroom - one of my dad and another of all Jason's grandparent's. After Grandpa Glover died (I dont' know if it was that day or the day after), Marley was watching cartoons and suddenly looked way up on the entertainment center and waved to those 2 pictures (they are side by side) and went back to watching cartoons. Jason said it was eery, but I think it's nice that she maybe knows there are people who love her, even though they might not be on earth to tell her....

Life.

Things have been a bit hectic lately. Jason's grandpa is out of the hospital and resting at home. They decided to call hospice so at least he could be comfortable during his last days. He is sick, but not with cancer. Essentially enduring sacs all over his lungs, Grandpa has chosen to stop medical treatment, which will eventually grow and cause forced breathing. He isn't eating, just sleeping.

This all too familiar terrain reminds me terribly of my dad and brings back memories of when I learned to hate cancer, some of which I have never spoken of. Not even to my own husband. His anniversary is coming up, at the end of February. His death has left a hole in my heart - not a day has gone by in 5 years that I haven't thought of him. I am reminded of him everywhere I go. Marley points to his picture every time she comes in the living room. They have never met, snuggled, played, kissed, or known what life is like with the other present. I often find myself feeling his presence and wondering if she does too. Sometimes she smiles over my shoulder when I feel him near. It's oddly comforting.

Grandpa Glover is my grandpa through marriage. He has never forgotten my birthday and I haev always received a Christmas gift from him. I have never expected these things - I even cried when he sent a card a few days after my birthday and called me all frazzled to make sure I got it. It's the simple things in life that really matter to this family. It took me a while to realize that - each time I brought cookies or muffins or sent a card - I never fully understood how it impacted them. I thought I was just being nice, just trying to make someone's day. And it did just that...

Watching Jason and his family say their goodbye's while Grandpa was lucid was hard. My chest felt tight and I choked back tears, trying to be a pillar of strength. I was insanely proud of my husband, who whispered words of love into his ear - words that I feel are sacred to their relationship. When it was my turn, I told Grandpa I loved him and to say hi to my dad for me. I never got the chance to say goodbye to my father and I am glad Jason doesn't have to look back and feel something was left unsaid.

When Grandpa passes, I know the impact his loss will have on us all. I also know the impact it will have on Grandpa. He will finally be reunited with his wife, who passed a few years ago, and what a reunion it will be. I can only imagine. Until then, we are keeping him in our thoughts and prayers - and trying to respect his wishes, for as my father told me, "I have lived my life, seen my kids grow, traveled the world. I've lived a good life."