Life...quit passing me by

It's come to my attention that the month is June. June? It's June, yes, really, June.

It feels like every weekend I have something to do and whether it's me doing the scheduling, I'm feeling really overwhelmed with life. So many friends and family ask to meet up, get the kids together, see a movie or just hang out. Not that I'm bragging, I feel really grateful to have such people in my life, but it's too much sometimes. My brain is on overload where do I need to be this weekend? Who wants to see Marley? Do I need to do laundry? Is my homework done?

It's hard to formulate a thought during the day, let alone by the end of the weekend. I'm screaming inside how I never have time with Marley, working full time and going to school leaves me feel guilty ALL THE TIME. But, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm going back to school so that I can have MORE time with her. All school breaks, snow days, vacations, summers, I'll be home. It's worth it, it's worth it, it's worth it. Is it? Am I missing out on too much? I have no choice, I have to work, but I am constantly wondering when I'm not with her, what am I missing?

Is she learning a new dance move? Is something new making her laugh? Her laugh, God her laugh gets me through the day sometimes, is she having a good day and laughing hard? How is potty training going? Does she miss me like I miss her?

I know she's ok, I know how much she adores Jessie and Jessie her. We're lucky to have a babysitter that cares about her and treats her so good. Her kids love her, too. Marley wakes up and immediately goes through their entire family: "Jessie? Emma? Noah? Daisy? Fufu?" I reassure her, yes, we're going to see Jessie and she screams with delight. Like literally screams that little kid scream, that ear piercing scream. And then nods in complete approval - a violent, eyes-wide-open nod. As a parent, knowing how excited she gets when she realizes she's going to be away from me, really does make me happy.

She's growing up so fast and she's needing me less and less it seems. Marley is literally becoming a little girl before my eyes. Where did my baby go? Although everyone reassures me that you can physically love another child, I'm not convinced. I have so much love for this child it scares me to think about it. It's doubtful she'd feel any less loved, jealous maybe, but not unloved. We want another child, maybe even another after that, but am I ready?

Are you ever ready? I don't think you really are. For anything in life. Sometimes you just have to run and take that leap - pray to GOD you made the right decision and ask for strength if you fall on your face. I'm a firm believer that you only get as much as you can handle. God must have some serious confidence in my abilities because my breaking point seems to constantly be dangling in front of me. I know in a few years things will get easier, life might be more manageable once I'm in a "career" and not working towards something that seems so close, yet so very far away.

I just hope when I'm at that point, I always take the time to shut life off and focus on the things that really matter - the things that I will forever have ingrained in my brain. Marley's seriously angelic face when I put her to bed and she grabs both of my hands, places them on her cheeks and just stares back at me, "mommy wuv" - it's enough to buckle my knees and give her whatever she wants. Or when I see Jason dancing with her or singing her a song or just being a good father. Our date nights (or lack thereof lately) when I can actually feel his appreciation for me as a friend and a wife - and all the times when I sacrificed my life to revolve around his schedule suddenly become unimportant. Because those are the things that matter in life. And those are the things I refuse to let pass me by.