I'm reading the Sharpie package..."permanent on most surfaces"....what does most entail? Wood, definitely. Paper, yes for sure. Foreheads, that's a big HELL YEAH. What surface would not hold a Sharpie mark? What surface would dare outright reject such a branding? What kind of person thinks about this?
Me, that's who. I just finished one of my classes and the boomrang insomnia is kicking back full force. It comes and goes, and with it, comes ADD. Jason loves when Insomniac Jack is in town. She is full of spontaneity, new ideas and analysis paralysis. What I mean by that is beginning to analyze something and mid-thought, having nothing else to think about the subject. My brain literally stops. Deer in headlights, I'm almost sure to do it in public and draw all attention where I love it to be, on me (insert high pitched laughter as I slowly back away and run). Soon after comes the nervous laughter as I realize someone is staring at me, so I pull out a cell phone and pretend the phone is ringing, only to have it ring for real during a fake conversation. It's like walking one direction and needing to turn around mid-pace, hoping to God no one is looking so you can gracefully about face without looking like a complete tool.
I did that once. In the mall last year. I was trying to find my friend who was meeting me near the movies, only instead of calling or texting her, I decided to turn around and check to see if she was by the main entrance. As I'm turning around, I see out of the corner of my eye teenages (are they allowed out that late? Wait, it's only 7pm) and I almost trample them as I gracefully change course. I then do what I can only think to do which is fake wave. That's right, I fake waved to a fake friend. So I wouldn't be that person that someone was people watching and just randomly changed direction. I had to create public purpose. As I'm waving to my fake friend, someone actually waves at me and I have to pretend I'm waving past them, you know, to make them feel awkward. We've all been there. Are they waving at me? Should I be the rude one and pretend I don't know them? Yes, clearly the best option is to keep walking.
Like when someone is talking on their bluetooth, only you don't know they are. You're walking face to face in a hallway and all of a sudden you hear the hey how are ya. Heart stops, do I know this person? Keep walking, reply, keep walking, reply....oooh oooh I know this one. Reply. Ehhhh wrong answer. Dirty looks thrown your way. How dare I butt in on their conversation.
America is so rude and condescending.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Apology schmapology
It's been a while since I last shared my brain with cyberland and while I'm trying to make a valiant effort, it's been extremely difficult. Mostly because my laziness kicks in and also partly because HELLO I have a toddler. It is my goal to get back to creative writing and while clearing the cobwebs, I'm trying to piece together valid pieces of thought. While trying to find that validity, I became sidetracked by things in life I was sorry and not sorry for.
THINGS I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE FOR:
1. Pulling in the garage past Jason's comfort level. I can still get out. I can still get Marley out. The world is a happy place. For the last time, I don't need a hanging tennis ball, so suck it, Jason.
2. Eating pickles for breakfast. I like them anytime, day or night. And I refuse to acknowledge the stench of my breath after I'm done.
3. Take too many pictures. There's no such thing. There's no such thing. There's no such thing.
4. Always having a full schedule. There's so much to discover and do! The world is my oyst...hello? Yes, this is she. I missed her doctor's appointment again? Shit.
5. Retreating to my bedroom and wanting to be alone. Did you hear that? A-LONE. So what if I shut the curtains, turn the lights off and pretend I have no husband or child. That's just a little something I like to call imagination, folks. Pretendland.
6. My lead foot. I married a cop for a reason. Oh, what's that, true love? Oh yes, that, uh, that too.
7. Laughing when Marley threw water right in my face during her bath. She was all I want to keep playing and I was all no, seriously time's up kid. Because what else can you seriously do other than laugh?
8. Refusing to walk the dog. She walks in a zig zag people. And all the other dogs make fun of her when we pass them on the sidewalk and she zig zags home, tail between her legs weeping.
9. Still really loving to swim. I'm a sight for sore eyes in my matronly bathing suit. If you can even call it that. A heavenly tank looking top paired with men's board shorts. The kids are so jealous they exit the pool immediately.
10. Coining the phrase it is what it is and loosely using it for every response. Dinner sucked. It is what it is. Can you help me with this? It is what it is. Mandy, that doesn't even make...it is what it is. See? Totally fitting.
11. Swearing like a sailor. In the absence of children, of course. What kind of monster do you think I am?
THINGS I SHOULD SACK UP AND APOLOGIZE FOR:
1. Thinking fart topics are appropriate in every and any social setting.
2. Trusting Marley enough to let her sleep in her diaper that one time during her nap. Then walking into a room full of shit. We're talking ears, face, walls, everywhere. Wait, doesn't she owe ME an apology?
3. The spare bedroom paint color. When I placed my hand on Jason's during the first coat and told him to calm down, it would look different the second coat, I should have just apologized right then and there. I'm sorry it turned out so beautifully disgusting.
4. My batwings hitting you in the face. I was just trying to point out the deer and WHAM you get smacked in the face with my flapping underarm skin. I just can't help what my body does post-baby. It is what it is. HA, I win.
5. Thinking there really are some ugly babies/kids out there. Am I really wrong though?
6. Peeing my pants. And then throwing water on myself to pretend I missed my mouth.
7. Watching trashy tv. The housewives bring so much drama it makes Lindsay Lohan look like a saint. Speaking of Lindsay, did you hear she can't even have her hair extensions in jail? So unfair.
8. My beautiful singing voice. Listen, it even makes me cringe and I use it to annoy you. So there.
9. Downloading music illegally in college. At one point I was like arrest me. Come get me. I'm just a poor college student who can't afford good music. Isn't THAT the real crime here anyways? Not having good music to listen to?
10. Sleeping with 2 fans. I know, electricity, I'm wasting you. But you feel so good.
THINGS I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE FOR:
1. Pulling in the garage past Jason's comfort level. I can still get out. I can still get Marley out. The world is a happy place. For the last time, I don't need a hanging tennis ball, so suck it, Jason.
2. Eating pickles for breakfast. I like them anytime, day or night. And I refuse to acknowledge the stench of my breath after I'm done.
3. Take too many pictures. There's no such thing. There's no such thing. There's no such thing.
4. Always having a full schedule. There's so much to discover and do! The world is my oyst...hello? Yes, this is she. I missed her doctor's appointment again? Shit.
5. Retreating to my bedroom and wanting to be alone. Did you hear that? A-LONE. So what if I shut the curtains, turn the lights off and pretend I have no husband or child. That's just a little something I like to call imagination, folks. Pretendland.
6. My lead foot. I married a cop for a reason. Oh, what's that, true love? Oh yes, that, uh, that too.
7. Laughing when Marley threw water right in my face during her bath. She was all I want to keep playing and I was all no, seriously time's up kid. Because what else can you seriously do other than laugh?
8. Refusing to walk the dog. She walks in a zig zag people. And all the other dogs make fun of her when we pass them on the sidewalk and she zig zags home, tail between her legs weeping.
9. Still really loving to swim. I'm a sight for sore eyes in my matronly bathing suit. If you can even call it that. A heavenly tank looking top paired with men's board shorts. The kids are so jealous they exit the pool immediately.
10. Coining the phrase it is what it is and loosely using it for every response. Dinner sucked. It is what it is. Can you help me with this? It is what it is. Mandy, that doesn't even make...it is what it is. See? Totally fitting.
11. Swearing like a sailor. In the absence of children, of course. What kind of monster do you think I am?
THINGS I SHOULD SACK UP AND APOLOGIZE FOR:
1. Thinking fart topics are appropriate in every and any social setting.
2. Trusting Marley enough to let her sleep in her diaper that one time during her nap. Then walking into a room full of shit. We're talking ears, face, walls, everywhere. Wait, doesn't she owe ME an apology?
3. The spare bedroom paint color. When I placed my hand on Jason's during the first coat and told him to calm down, it would look different the second coat, I should have just apologized right then and there. I'm sorry it turned out so beautifully disgusting.
4. My batwings hitting you in the face. I was just trying to point out the deer and WHAM you get smacked in the face with my flapping underarm skin. I just can't help what my body does post-baby. It is what it is. HA, I win.
5. Thinking there really are some ugly babies/kids out there. Am I really wrong though?
6. Peeing my pants. And then throwing water on myself to pretend I missed my mouth.
7. Watching trashy tv. The housewives bring so much drama it makes Lindsay Lohan look like a saint. Speaking of Lindsay, did you hear she can't even have her hair extensions in jail? So unfair.
8. My beautiful singing voice. Listen, it even makes me cringe and I use it to annoy you. So there.
9. Downloading music illegally in college. At one point I was like arrest me. Come get me. I'm just a poor college student who can't afford good music. Isn't THAT the real crime here anyways? Not having good music to listen to?
10. Sleeping with 2 fans. I know, electricity, I'm wasting you. But you feel so good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)