Life...quit passing me by

It's come to my attention that the month is June. June? It's June, yes, really, June.

It feels like every weekend I have something to do and whether it's me doing the scheduling, I'm feeling really overwhelmed with life. So many friends and family ask to meet up, get the kids together, see a movie or just hang out. Not that I'm bragging, I feel really grateful to have such people in my life, but it's too much sometimes. My brain is on overload where do I need to be this weekend? Who wants to see Marley? Do I need to do laundry? Is my homework done?

It's hard to formulate a thought during the day, let alone by the end of the weekend. I'm screaming inside how I never have time with Marley, working full time and going to school leaves me feel guilty ALL THE TIME. But, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm going back to school so that I can have MORE time with her. All school breaks, snow days, vacations, summers, I'll be home. It's worth it, it's worth it, it's worth it. Is it? Am I missing out on too much? I have no choice, I have to work, but I am constantly wondering when I'm not with her, what am I missing?

Is she learning a new dance move? Is something new making her laugh? Her laugh, God her laugh gets me through the day sometimes, is she having a good day and laughing hard? How is potty training going? Does she miss me like I miss her?

I know she's ok, I know how much she adores Jessie and Jessie her. We're lucky to have a babysitter that cares about her and treats her so good. Her kids love her, too. Marley wakes up and immediately goes through their entire family: "Jessie? Emma? Noah? Daisy? Fufu?" I reassure her, yes, we're going to see Jessie and she screams with delight. Like literally screams that little kid scream, that ear piercing scream. And then nods in complete approval - a violent, eyes-wide-open nod. As a parent, knowing how excited she gets when she realizes she's going to be away from me, really does make me happy.

She's growing up so fast and she's needing me less and less it seems. Marley is literally becoming a little girl before my eyes. Where did my baby go? Although everyone reassures me that you can physically love another child, I'm not convinced. I have so much love for this child it scares me to think about it. It's doubtful she'd feel any less loved, jealous maybe, but not unloved. We want another child, maybe even another after that, but am I ready?

Are you ever ready? I don't think you really are. For anything in life. Sometimes you just have to run and take that leap - pray to GOD you made the right decision and ask for strength if you fall on your face. I'm a firm believer that you only get as much as you can handle. God must have some serious confidence in my abilities because my breaking point seems to constantly be dangling in front of me. I know in a few years things will get easier, life might be more manageable once I'm in a "career" and not working towards something that seems so close, yet so very far away.

I just hope when I'm at that point, I always take the time to shut life off and focus on the things that really matter - the things that I will forever have ingrained in my brain. Marley's seriously angelic face when I put her to bed and she grabs both of my hands, places them on her cheeks and just stares back at me, "mommy wuv" - it's enough to buckle my knees and give her whatever she wants. Or when I see Jason dancing with her or singing her a song or just being a good father. Our date nights (or lack thereof lately) when I can actually feel his appreciation for me as a friend and a wife - and all the times when I sacrificed my life to revolve around his schedule suddenly become unimportant. Because those are the things that matter in life. And those are the things I refuse to let pass me by.

Booooring

Well, it's been a long time since I've written on here - sometimes I have a hard time doing it, since everyone knows everything from my FB, but whatever. Things have been insanely crazy the last few months. It seems like we have something to do every weekend. I'm hoping this weekend I can just relax and enjoy my time with Marls.

Speaking of, she's talking now, which is fun and exciting. Her little voice I've been waiting forever to hear is hilarious. The things she tries so hard to say and what actually comes out are two different things. She gets this puzzled look on her face and waits for me to tell her "good girl" or we try to say it again a little more clearer.

Today, Jason had a fruit snack in his pocket for later - Marley remembered he put it there and 2 hours later ran up to him saying, "pock! pock!" He couldn't believe she remembered it was there and that she knew it was called a pocket. It's simple amazing to me how much she's learning and literally overnight. Everyone told me it'd happen that quick, but man, that's nuts.

Anywho, not much happening over here, same old same old.

Passing the torch

When we went to the hospital to say our goodbyes to Jason's grandpa, there was a mini update in a pamphlet of what had changed over the past 50 or so years. It was amazing to read and learn just how much Grandpa Glover has lived to see. He talked to us a bit about his life and what he had accomplished, what he was most proud of. He loved his family and loved knowing there would be people who would carry his name throughout life. The pressure's on for us, Jason is 1 of 2 grandboys to produce boys! Not so fast, Jason....not quite ready for another yet.

It was sad to sad goodbye but the funeral was very nice. I don't think there was a dry eye when we saw the military salute. When one of the naval officers gave his uncle the flag, his words were powerful when he spoke on behalf of the president, who thanked him for his years of service. Ok, so we might not all agree with the elected president and knowing they say that at most every vet's funeral was not relevant, but it was still powerful to hear.

I'm glad I have a few pictures of Grandpa with Marley, even though he didn't like to hold little, little babies. We kind of threw her in his lap a few times and quickly snapped a picture...I'm glad I forced that on him! It's nice to look back and know he lived a hell of a life - and that he's finally reunited with his wife, whom he has missed dearly since she passed.

Sidenote - we have a ton of pictures throughout the house, 2 of which are on the entertainmetn center in Marley's playroom - one of my dad and another of all Jason's grandparent's. After Grandpa Glover died (I dont' know if it was that day or the day after), Marley was watching cartoons and suddenly looked way up on the entertainment center and waved to those 2 pictures (they are side by side) and went back to watching cartoons. Jason said it was eery, but I think it's nice that she maybe knows there are people who love her, even though they might not be on earth to tell her....

Life.

Things have been a bit hectic lately. Jason's grandpa is out of the hospital and resting at home. They decided to call hospice so at least he could be comfortable during his last days. He is sick, but not with cancer. Essentially enduring sacs all over his lungs, Grandpa has chosen to stop medical treatment, which will eventually grow and cause forced breathing. He isn't eating, just sleeping.

This all too familiar terrain reminds me terribly of my dad and brings back memories of when I learned to hate cancer, some of which I have never spoken of. Not even to my own husband. His anniversary is coming up, at the end of February. His death has left a hole in my heart - not a day has gone by in 5 years that I haven't thought of him. I am reminded of him everywhere I go. Marley points to his picture every time she comes in the living room. They have never met, snuggled, played, kissed, or known what life is like with the other present. I often find myself feeling his presence and wondering if she does too. Sometimes she smiles over my shoulder when I feel him near. It's oddly comforting.

Grandpa Glover is my grandpa through marriage. He has never forgotten my birthday and I haev always received a Christmas gift from him. I have never expected these things - I even cried when he sent a card a few days after my birthday and called me all frazzled to make sure I got it. It's the simple things in life that really matter to this family. It took me a while to realize that - each time I brought cookies or muffins or sent a card - I never fully understood how it impacted them. I thought I was just being nice, just trying to make someone's day. And it did just that...

Watching Jason and his family say their goodbye's while Grandpa was lucid was hard. My chest felt tight and I choked back tears, trying to be a pillar of strength. I was insanely proud of my husband, who whispered words of love into his ear - words that I feel are sacred to their relationship. When it was my turn, I told Grandpa I loved him and to say hi to my dad for me. I never got the chance to say goodbye to my father and I am glad Jason doesn't have to look back and feel something was left unsaid.

When Grandpa passes, I know the impact his loss will have on us all. I also know the impact it will have on Grandpa. He will finally be reunited with his wife, who passed a few years ago, and what a reunion it will be. I can only imagine. Until then, we are keeping him in our thoughts and prayers - and trying to respect his wishes, for as my father told me, "I have lived my life, seen my kids grow, traveled the world. I've lived a good life."

Did someone switch the date?

Christmas comes one time a year, the same day, every single year. It's constant, it's consistent, it's Christmas. Millions of people have come to terms with this and many even prepare by shopping months in advance. Although Jason and I decided to not exchange gifts with each other this year, we agreed to just do small gifts for our stockings. Afterall, this year and the following years are reserved for Marley and her possible future sibling(s). At this point in my life, there's not much I "need" let alone "want".

Which brings me to my next point....Jason has known about Christmas day for months, years, his entire life. My mom was kind enough to watch Marley Monday while he did some last minute shopping. And by last minute, I mean he started. I get a phone call, hearing his extremely annoyed and aggrevated voice, and I immediately want to laugh. I can hear Christmas music in the distant background with angry people in the near background.

"They dont' have any of the movies you asked for!!" he screams panicked.
"So don't get any..." it's simple, right? They're out of something, so don't get it? I thought so, too.
"What am I supposed to get you!?" more panicking.
"I don't know, a gift card?"
"I can't just get you ONE thing for your stocking! What else can I get you??" huffing....
"Jason, you're asking me 4 days before Christmas what I want and you're getting mad because the store is out of things?"
"I'm going to hang up before I say anything else"...ah, you are wise Sensei.

At least last minute shopping year after year has finally taught him one thing....to insert foot in mouth when appropriate.

Not so haute...

Dear Scale,

I'm not quite where we initially went wrong, but I'd like to get on your good side again. I tend to think it all began after college when I started dating Jason. I quickly latched on to his ability to eat absolute crap and not gain an ounce thinking it could do the same for me. Oh contrare m'frare - not only do I have THE worst metabolism, but the most canny ability to "go with the flow". My diluted way of rationalizing has gotten out of hand. Where toned muscle used to be, odd shaped lumps and bumps have taken over shouting, "firm me, FIRM ME!". I shake my head in disgust as I run past the mirror as fast I can as body parts once deemed "unjiggleable" now flap in the wind.

I know what you're thinking and no, I'm not ready to throw you out the window. I am willing to cooperate with you, a mutual partnership, if you can please learn to readjust yourself. I think you do it purpose. Although I only gained 20 pounds during pregnancy, I was willing to let it slide when you continually jumped each week chalking it up to baby weight. I even loved you after the baby, when you went down and down and down. And then it happened. My appetite came back....

I just hope we can learn to be friends. I joined a new gym and I think you'll be pleased with the results once I start going. I am thrilled to jump back on the wagon - I hope you'll join me. We'll deal with our "man in the mirror" issues later, but first, let me welcome you back to my life.

Sincerely yours,
Lard Ass

Hello world

Well considering no one even reads this blog, I'm not in a major rush to update, hence why it's been several months. We're gearing up for the first Christmas at the house - it feels nice to have a proper tree up again. Last year, we were in the apartment squished between baby toys and a mini tree. WE had all of our Christmas stuff in storage so it was nice to put it all out. I was extremely excited to get mantle stocking holders since we have a real wood burning fireplace. I love it. Work is wrapping up and slowing down - looking forward to a quiet winter.
Just some random pictures from over the past few months....